I've been working a little in private these past few months, so I gradually forgot about updating this blog, but I suppose I've been more engaged in other activities than sorting through scientific articles and such, which I think is a shame, I've been learning about a lot, and I genuinely want to share quite a few findings and theories, since I'm still holding out hope that one day some people might actually cross this blog and find some insights here, but... I want to start over here, some things have come to light to me, and I realize what I made this blog for in the first place, so I want to revisit that.
Before I go on, know that I was inspired by this video directly before writing this. I've always been a fan of Bill Hicks, and it's hard to explain why to people because people have a tendency to think these sort of things have short explanations. Case in point, he's not the funniest comedian I know, but it's precisely the skits that don't make me laugh at all that I like the most, because there's times when the man shows you something by telling you a story, that makes you realize that there is something wrong with the way we do things, it triggers a sort of inspiration in me that wants to do something greater, and this video in particular reminded me that I don't know why I keep pursuing mediocrity. I've said it myself, many times in fact, that I find nothing particularly wrong with mediocrity, but that doesn't mean there's anything right about it either, the best is yet to come, so to speak, so keep pushing yourself, scare yourself even, do things you wouldn't normally do, and for fuck's sake, think outside the box.
That's the thing I really wanted to do, discover things people don't initially take notice of, dig into it a little deeper until you find that something special, and then share it with others. That's my mission, I suppose, but over these past couple years, I start to feel something wear down on me, and I realize that a part of me believes that these feelings are just remains of a more passionate youth. I mean, hell, I'm young, I'm really young, but this is the type of thing you can feel fade away from you and you can wonder to yourself where it's going, and you can try to fight to retain it, but what are you trying to prove, and to whom? No, there's more at stake, and everybody knows it, but people accept it, because you can only fight it for so long before it literally becomes fatiguing. It's illogical in principle to fight against the tide especially if your only basis is a small amount of hope that something good will come out of it. And then what happens? The right side of your brain turns it into a game of probability, if the probability of nothing happening heavily outweighs the possibility of some sort of transcendent experience, then fuck it, right?
Instead, I turn my focus away from myself for a second, and I think about the other people around me. I can sense it, you know, that everybody is succumbing to these kinds of feelings, letting it go for one reason and another, and I myself feel very strongly a sense of isolation in pursuing these matters. (Forgive me if this is starting to sound abstract, I tend to do that as I generalize things) I guess what I mean to say is, it seems like it'd be nicer if people felt more strongly about things, if we were allowed or perhaps even encouraged to push ourselves and think in exciting and new ways, pushing boundaries left and right, and slowly dismantled society's perception of a 'comfort zone', because I'm no fan of being alienated anymore, nobody likes putting on masks just to feel like they aren't being targeted, and people are so apt to do that that it kind of bugs me, it seems that unless you're truly doing something, unless you're genuinely making a point, a statement, you're going to be alienated.
This post is a little out of the ordinary, I know, but it's what I needed to say before continuing this blog. :)
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