Freedom's a Ghost Town

Someone once told me that life's a game. He said that we make our own rules, and we're allowed pursue meaning wherever we care to look. I thought to myself, 'how can something be meaningful if you can find it anywhere'? The question didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, actually, I was a bit intrigued by the prospect.

I was at work at the time, I thought maybe I could find meaning outside, because it didn't seem like it'd be where I was working. I thought about what it would be like to take off my apron and just go outside... but what then? The adventure was staring at me right in the face, all I had to do was walk out that door and yet... I couldn't do it. I knew deep down nothing was waiting for me out there. Nobody would share my dream with me, the streets would be empty. I knew then that freedom, the concept of it... it's a ghost town.

I wish more than I ever wished for anything that I could make my dreams real, so that I could share them with others. I did this all the time as a kid... a playground could be a pirate-ship, it was as easy as blurting it out, others would join in and change the scenery into anything they wanted. A war would break out between the buccaneers, a story would unfold, it was invigorating, there was meaning to be found and explored, it was everywhere.

But then we subscribed to another idea as we got older... an idea that the world's not fair, that you'd have to compete under a very specific set of rules if you wanted to make it ahead in this world. When we subscribed to this idea, we destroyed our sense of wonder, we let go our search for meaning. Truth is... it didn't go anywhere, it's right there, it's been there this whole time, we're free to go back to it whenever we want to.

However, it doesn't seem as appealing by yourself. I wish I had someone to play pirates with... now all I can do is sit on the side and sigh as I'm unable to let go of the harsh realities of the world we live in. How can I sit here and play by myself when so many others are barely managing in this cruel little world we live in? The slow death, they call it... so long as you allow yourself a little bit of time each day to appreciate something, anything, you're considered healthy. Whatever gets you through it... whatever allows you to maximize some company's profits...

I wanted to cry earlier today. Couldn't do it. I was so happy earlier, I had a funny encounter with a pretty girl at the store, we shared a smile, and I carried on with my day... but then I realized how fleeting the experience was, how rare it was, how I couldn't hope to re-create it with any sort of genuineness. I was given my allotted time to appreciate something, and it passed... how can we hope to fill this emptiness with so little time?

Again I had to retreat inside myself. My dreams and hopes and ambitions are all still alive and well inside me... I try to share them when I can, but sometimes I miss my marks, and months pass by where nothing but small-talk is achieved.

Sometimes I wonder if childhood was a dream we woke up from, or if we simply went to sleep since...